My Journey to Motherhood: Learning to Trust My Instincts

When I think back to my first pregnancy, I remember how excited I was but also how overwhelmed and anxious I felt. I spent a lot of time Googling symptoms, overthinking every little change and worrying if I was doing everything “right.” I didn’t trust myself at all, I would second-guess every decision and I was very disconnected from my mother’s instincts.

It wasn’t until I started feeling my baby move that I began to relax a little. But even then, I would have moments of panic if I couldn’t feel her for a while. I noticed that fear had a way of taking over, and I really struggled to quiet the anxious voice in my head.

Midway through my pregnancy, I joined an NCT class because that’s what everyone else was doing. But my husband and I couldn’t believe how outdated it all felt. The teacher was focussing on irrelevant advice like “bring change for a phone box” when we all had mobile phones, and “pack CDs for music” when we used Spotify. None of the sessions addressed the emotional or mental preparation I really needed.

In contrast, my hypnobirthing course was transformative. It helped me understand what was happening inside my body and it gave me tools to stay calm, like breathing techniques and visualisation. One of the most valuable lessons was how fear can impact labour and how important it is to create a calm, uninterrupted environment.

The course gave me confidence and clarity, but I wasn’t fully there yet. Toward the end of my pregnancy, I still found myself placing my trust in the system over my instincts.

Going Into Labour

As I neared the end of my pregnancy, I noticed my baby wasn’t moving as much one evening, and I went to the hospital to check. The doctors decided to induce me immediately and recommended an epidural, even though I had been terrified of them. I was feeling very uncertain but I wanted to do the “right” thing for my baby so I agreed.

I then had a very long and exhausting three-day labor filled with just staring at the clock, constant midwife switch overs and so many interruptions. Every time I managed to fall asleep I was woken up and told my baby’s heart rate was dropping. Even thought I knew that she was just relaxing when I was because she always used to sleep when I was asleep. No one would listen to me though. By the time Ella was born, with the help of forceps, I felt physically and emotionally drained and really disconnected from myself.

Looking back, I wish I had trusted myself more during those moments. I wish I had felt confident enough to listen to my instincts and speak up for what I felt was right for me and Ella. But I also know that every step of this journey taught me something valuable.

Pregnancy is such a transformative time, and it’s easy to let fear and outside voices take over. But the truth is, your body knows what it’s doing, and your instincts are there to guide you.